%
As far as anyone knows we're a nice, normal family.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Simpson's Roasting on an Open Fire
%
Lisa:	Remember, Dad.  The handle of the Big Dipper points to the 
	North Star.

Homer:	That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class.  We're in
	the woods.

		   The Call of the Simpsons
%
Yeah.  Wait a minute.  It's the guy from TV.  My kid's 
hero...Cruddy...Crummy...Krusty the Clown!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Krusty Gets Busted
%
Uh, so.  Let's have a conversation.  Uh, I think we'll find that we have
very little in common.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Last Temptation of Homer
%
Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister.  I
want to see you both fighting for your parents' love.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa on Ice
%
I don't want to look like a weirdo.  I'll just go with a muumuu.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   King-Size Homer
%
Oh my God!  Space aliens!  Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids!  Eat
them.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror VII
%
Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do
every morning.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa the Vegetarian
%
You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.  She
said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and, God bless her soul, she
was really onto something.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Lisa:	So gambling makes a good thing even better?

Homer:	That's right.  My God, it's like there's some kind of bond
	between us.

		   Lisa the Greek
%
Jeez.  No beer ... no opera dogs ...

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Genius
%
You're everywhere.  You're omnivorous.

		-- Homer Simpson, to God
		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what
about those really smart ones who live among us who rollerskate and smoke
cigars?

		-- Homer Simpson, on Heaven
		   The Telltale Head
%
You know something, folks, as ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather
feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I
sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Night Out
%
Could this be the best day of my life?

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Heretic
%
Kirk:	One day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day
	you're thawin'a hot dog in a gas station sink.

Homer:	Oh, that's tough, pal.  But it's never gonna happen to me.

		   A Milhouse Divided
%
See these?  American donuts.  Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled.
Now, how's that for freedom of choice.

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Crepes of Wrath
%
The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show
starring my wife's sisters -- or as I call them, `the gruesome twosome.'

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Krusty Gets Busted
%
I'm not a bad guy.  I work hard and I love my kids.  So why should I spend
half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Heretic
%
Mmm...incapacitating.

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Springfield Connection
%
Marge, try to understand.  There are two kinds of college students: jocks
and nerds.  As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Goes to College
%
Listen, you big, stupid space-creature.  Nobody, but nobody, eats the
Simpsons!

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror
%
I wore my extra loose pants for nothing.  Nothing!

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   New Kid on the Block
%
You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here!  Your family is better
than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and
your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt!
You make me sick!

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Dead Putting Society
%
Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this.  It is not okay to
lose.

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Dead Putting Society
%
As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to
do with alcohol.  It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Dancin' Homer
%
Homer:	What?!  Flanders!  You're the Devil?

Devil Flanders:
	Ho-oh, it's always the one you least suspect.

		   Treehouse of Horror IV
%
D'oh!  English!  Who needs that?  I'm never going to England. Come on,
let's smoke.

		-- Homer Simpson, talking Barney into cutting class
		   The Way We Was
%
They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Colonel Homer
%
I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will
get you through life.  Number one, `Cover for me.'  Number two, `Oh, good
idea, boss.'  Number three, `It was like that when I got here.'

		-- Homer Simpson
		   One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Bluefish
%
Always remember that you're representing our country.  I guess what I'm
saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Crepes of Wrath
%
I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Front
%
Barney:	Boy, you never stop eating and you don't gain a pound.

Homer:	It's my metaba-ma-lism.  I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.

		   The Way We Was
%
Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much.  But you're living in a
world of makebelieve.  With flowers and bells and leprechauns.  And magic
frogs with funny little hats...

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Blood Feud
%
Did you hear that, Marge?  She called me a baboon!  The stupidest,
ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa's Substitute
%
Holy Moly!  The bastard's rich!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
%
Love isn't hopeless.  Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject, but there
was one time I got it right.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Another Simpson's Clip Show
%
First Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun
of the way I talk -- probably -- now he steals my right to raise a
disobedient, smart-alecky son!  Well, that's it!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Two Bad Neighbors
%
If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Flaming Moe's
%
Keep brain from freezing.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Simpson and Delilah
%
Lurleen, I can't get your song outta my mind.  I haven't felt this way 
since `Funky Town.'

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Colonel Homer
%
Marge:	Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?

Homer:	Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need one hundred and fifty
	dollars here.

		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Marge:	Homer, you're his father.  You've got to reason with him.

Homer:	Oh, that never works.  He's a goner!

		   Bart the Daredevil
%
I thought there was chocolate inside ... Well, why was it wrapped in foil?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Mr. Plow
%
I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world.  He's a 
jerk -- end of story.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   When Flanders Failed
%
Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman.  You just
have to read the manual and press the right button.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Defined
%
Homer:	Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

Bart:	Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

Homer:	Why you little -- !

		   Like Father Like Clown
%
I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard.  And
-- and I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey
myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises -- you got it?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror II
%
Homer:	I'm a bad father!

Selma:	You're also fat!

Homer:	I'm also fat!

		   Saturdays of Thunder
%
Foul temptress.  I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy, too!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Last Temptation of Homer
%
Homer:	No TV and No Beer Make Homer ... something something.

Marge:	Go crazy?

Homer:	Don't mind if I do!

		   Treehouse of Horror V
%
It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the
eighties.  Those were idealistic days: the candidacy of John Anderson,
the rise of Supertramp.  It was an exciting time to be young.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   I Married Marge
%
Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Burns, Baby Burns
%
Homer:	I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt.

Bart:	We've seen it, Dad.

		   Homer at the Bat
%
Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat.  It also gives me the 
right -- no, the duty -- to make a complete ass of myself.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Dancin' Homer
%
Herb:	I want you to help me design a car.  A car for all the Homer
	Simpsons out there!  And I want to pay you two hundred thousand
	dollars a year!

Homer:	And I want to let you!

		   Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
%
Homer:	There couldn't be heaven if there weren't a hell.

Bart:	Who's in there?

Homer:	Oh, uh ... Hitler's dog.  And that dog Nixon had, whassisname, um,
	Chester ...

Lisa:	Checkers.

Homer:	Yeah!  One of the Lassies is in there, too.  The mean one -- the
	one that mauled Jimmy.

		   Dog of Death
%
Losers!  Losers!  Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Loves Flanders
%
The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror III
%
Karl:	You don't belong here.  You're a fraud and a phony and it's only
	a matter of time until they find you out.

Homer:	(gasps)  Who told you?

		   Simpson and Delilah
%
Bart:	What'd you do?  Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger
	than Jesus?

Homer:	All the time.  It was the title of our second album.

		   Homer's Barbershop Quartet
%
Kirk:	What makes you guys so special?

Homer:	Because Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken: a
	strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.

		   A Milhouse Divided
%
Ah, sweet pity: where would my love life have been without it?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   I Love Lisa
%
Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer
%
Bart:	So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad
	so other kids will like you better?

Homer:	You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

		   The Telltale Head
%
I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil
War!  Heh, heh, heh!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Great
%
Weaseling out of things is important to learn.  It's what separates us
from the animals.  Except the weasel.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Boy-Scoutz n the Hood
%
Homer:	Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies
	away.

Bart and Lisa:
	Noooooo!

Homer:	Mainly your mother.

		   Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
%
Homer:	Okay, okay, don't panic.  To find Flanders, I just have to think
	like Flanders!

Homer's Brain:
	I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater
	everyday, and --

Homer:	The Springfield River!

		   Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
%
It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Goes To College
%
We live in a society of laws.  Why do you think I took you to all those
"Police Academy" movies?  For fun?  Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin',
did you?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Marge Be Not Proud
%
Stealing?!  How could you?!  Haven't you learned anything from that
guy who gives those sermons at church?  Captain What's-his-name?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Marge Be Not Proud
%
Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and
old people are useless.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Vigilante
%
Homer:	Little baby batter,
	Can't control his bladder!

Burns:	Mmm...Crude, but I like it.  What do you say we freshen up out
	little drinkie poos?

Homer:	Don't mind if I do.

		   Dancin' Homer
%
Homer:	Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying.  I already did the same thing,
	and we can't both win.

Flanders:
	Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt.

		   Dead Putting Society
%
Asleep at the switch!  I wasn't asleep!  I was drunk!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Vigilante
%
Hey!  Let's do that 2,000-pound man thing.  I'll be that Carl Reiner guy,
and you be what's-his-face.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer vs. Patty and Selma
%
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy.  People die all the time.
Just like that.  Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.  Well, good night.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Fink
%
Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday?  I
mean, isn't God everywhere?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Heretic
%
And anyone can be tooted?

		-- Homer Simpson, on tutoring
		   The Way We Was
%
Flanders:
	Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us
	friends.

Homer:	To Ned Flanders, the richest left-handed man in town.

		   When Flanders Failed
%
There's an empty spot I've always had inside me.  I tried to fill it with
family, religion, community service.  But those were all dead ends.  I
think this chair is the answer.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?
%
Bart:	Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!

Homer:	He was a zombie?

		   Treehouse of Horror III
%
If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing
defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer and Apu
%
See you in hell, candy boys!!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Badman
%
All right.  His story checks out.

		-- Homer Simpson, checking in the encyclopedia
				  under "Bush, George"
		   Two Bad Neighbors
%
I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV!  This one's
for real!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   A Milhouse Divided
%
Hmmm, look at those eyes.  He's trying to hypnotize me, but not in the
good Las Vegas way.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Mountain of Madness
%
Marge!  I'm two-thirty-nine, and I'm feeling fine!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brush With Greatness
%
I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too ... I mean, we
could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the
cows come home.  But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brother from the Same Planet
%
Well if it isn't the leader of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd
lessons!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Boy-Scoutz n the Hood
%
Yeah.  Maybe I do have the right ... What's that stuff?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Deep Space Homer
%
And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest,
safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe
dream.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart vs. Thanksgiving
%
Marge, you being a cop makes you the man!  Which makes me the woman -- and
I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear,
which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Springfield Connection
%
Hello?  Yes?  Oh!  Heh, heh, uh ... if you're looking for that big donut
of yours ... um, Flanders has it.  Just smash open his house.  (Closing
the door.)  He came to life.  Good for him.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror VI
%
He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of
charging $6.95 for it.

		-- Moe Syzlak
		   Flaming Moe's
%
Wh ... what's going on?  Wh ... wha ... why am I on a Japanese box?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   In Marge We Trust
%
Wait a minute, Marge.  I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire."  This is a man in drag!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious
%
Abe:	I used to be `with it.'  But then they changed what `it' was.  Now
	what I'm `with' isn't `it' and what's `it' seems weird and scary
	to me.  It'll happen to you.

Homer:	No way, man.  We're gonna keep on rockin' forever!

		   Homerpalooza
%
Yes!  Oh, yes!  Read it and weep!  In your face -- I got more chicken
bone!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   When Flanders Failed
%
Must destroy mankind!  (His watch alarm goes off)  Ooh, lunchtime!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Goes To College
%
Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous
story of my own.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Another Simpsons Clip Show
%
Marge:	Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?

Homer:	Yup, pretty much.  Except we drove around in a van solving
	mysteries.

		   A Milhouse Divided
%
Out at five, catch General Sherman at five-thirty, clean him at six, eat
him at six-thirty, back in bed by seven with no incriminating evidence.
Heh heh heh.  The perfect crime.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The War of the Simpsons
%
Pfft.  Now you tell me.

		-- Homer Simpson, finding out that working at a nuclear
				  plant can make one sterile
		   I Married Marge
%
I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat
breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask
in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant fresh as a daisy.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa's Pony
%
Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an
appropriate time.  Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey 
bottle.  'Member that?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Whacking Day
%
Come here, you little raven!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror
%
Your mother seems really upset.  I better go have a talk with 
her -- during the commercial.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious
%
Homer:	The secret ingredient is --

Moe:	Homer, no!

Homer:	Cough syrup!  Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter 
	children's cough syrup!

		   Flaming Moe's
%
Hee, hee!  I can be a jerk and no one can stop me!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Itchy & Scratchy Land
%
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the
lightbulb.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Genius
%
It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart.  Lisa,
maybe you should try some of this.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Genius
%
Dammit, I'm no supervising technician.  I'm a technical supervisor.  It's
too late to teach this old dog new tricks.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Odyssey
%
That shot is impossible!  Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield
%
Homer:	I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.

Pump Jockey:
	It's your heart.  And I think it's on its last thump.

Homer:	Whew, I was afraid it was my transmission.

		   Homer's Triple Bypass
%
Rock 'n' Roll had become stagnant.  `Achy Breaky Heart' was seven years
away.  Something had to fill the void, and that something was barbershop.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Barbershop Quartet
%
Flanders!  My socks feel dirty!  Gimme some water to wash 'em!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Boy-Scoutz n the Hood
%
Kent:	Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been
	causing more crimes than it's been preventing?

Homer:	Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.

		   Homer the Vigilante
%
Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic
snarls, political strife at home and abroad.  But I promise you, the second
all of those things go away, we'll have sex.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
%
It works on any Ayatollah!  Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi ... Even
as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating
their power!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Two Bad Neighbors
%
Um, it's like, uh ... did anyone see the movie `Tron'?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror VI
%
I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Smithers
%
You can't depend on me all your lives.  You have to learn that there's a
little Homer Simpson in all of us.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Defined
%
When will I learn?  The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of
a bottle.  They're on TV!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Homer:	This place is depressing.

Grampa:	Hey!  I live here.

Homer:	Oh, well, I'm sure it's a blast	once you get used to it.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart vs. Thanksgiving
%
Lisa:	Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.

Homer:	Well, thank you, honey.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Selma:	It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.

Homer:	Take it to the hoop, Selma!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Principal Charming
%
Burns:	Good Lord, Smithers!  You look atrocious.  I thought I told you to
	take a vacation.

Homer:	Uh, Smithers already left, sir.  I'm his replacement, Homer
	Simpson.

		   Homer the Smithers
%
Bart:	Oh, cheer up, Mom.  You can't buy publicity like that.  Thousands
	and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford.

Homer:	You can call them Whitey-whackers!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Twisted World of Marge Simpson
%
Oh, `no attitude,' eh?  Not `in your face,' huh?  Well, you can cram it
with walnuts, ugly!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
%
Homer:	I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in
	town.

Marge:	Maybe we should move to a larger community.

		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?!  I'm a blimp!  Why are all the good
things so tasty?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brush With Greatness
%
And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a
single proven fatality, at least in this country.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
%
Quiet, you kids!  If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch
cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
%
Bart:	I had a fight with Milhouse.

Homer:	That four-eyes with the big nose?  You don't need friends like
	that.

Lisa:	How Zen.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Defined
%
Homer:	Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were
	discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.

Scully:	Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.

Homer:	We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard.  Ya
	happy?

		   The Springfield Files
%
Flanders:
	They're not perfect, but the Lord says love they neighbor --

Homer:	Shut up, Flanders.

Flanders:
	Okely-dokely-do.

		   Hurricane Neddy
%
Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I
thought it's be fun and exciting, like the movie `Spaceballs.'  But
instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie `Police
Academy.'

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Springfield Connection
%
Bart:	Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me.  How do you feel?

Homer:	Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his
	conversion by Ambrose of Milan.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
%
That's fine for you, Marge.  But I used to rock and roll all night and
party every day.  Then it was every other day.  Now I'm lucky if I can
find half an hour a week in which to get funky.  I've got to get out of
this rut and back into the groove!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homerpalooza
%
Good morning, fellow employee.  You'll notice that I am now a model 
worker.  We should continue this conversation later, during the designated
break periods.  Sincerely, Homer Simpson.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Enemy
%
A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa the Greek
%
Apu:	You look familiar, sir.  Are you on the television or something?

Homer:	Sorry, buddy.  You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.

		   Homer's Night Out
%
Now, son, you don't want to drink beer.  That's for daddys, and kids with
fake IDs.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Springfield Files
%
Marge:	Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six
	servings a week?

Homer:	Marge, I'm only human.

		   Principal Charming
%
Oh, look at me!  I'm making people happy.  I'm the magical man from
Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaane!  Oh, by the way, I
was being sarcastic.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Flaming Moe's
%
I may just quit my job at the plant to become a full-time stock market
guy.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerke
%
Why did this have to happen now, during prime time, when TV's
brightest stars come out to shine?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?
%
Oh my God, someone's trying to kill me!  Oh wait, it's for Bart.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Cape Feare
%
It all happened during the magical summer of 1985.  A maturing Joe
Piscopo left `Saturday Night Live' to conquer Hollywood; People
Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel; and I was
in a barbershop quartet.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Barbershop Quartet
%
Burns:	I can't understand a word you're saying.

Homer:	My name is Homer Simpson!

Burns:	You're just babbling incoherently...

Homer:	Oh, you're a dead man, Burns.  Oh, you're dead!  You're dead,
	Burns!

		   Who Shot Mr. Burns (Part 1)
%
Burns:	Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club!  A
	sand wedge!

Homer:	Mmm ... open-faced club sandwich.

		   Scenes From the Class Struggle in Springfield
%
Woman:	Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very
	valuable stone gargoyle, and -- Are you wearing a grocery bag?

Homer:	I have misplaced my pants.

		   Bart After Dark
%
Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and
love our family's experienced ... well, not today.  You saw what
happened.  Oh, Lord, be honest.  Are we the most pathetic family in
the universe, or what?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart vs. Thanksgiving
%
This is the greatest thrill of my life!  I'm king of the world!  Wooo,
wooo!  Wooo, wooo!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Daredevil
%
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike.  You just go in
every day and do it really half-assed.  That's the American way.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The PTA Disbands
%
Oh, I love your magazine.  My favorite section is `How to Increase
Your Word Power.'  That thing is really, really, really ... good.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington
%
One day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about
for generations.  You may outsmart someone.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Genius
%
The code of the schoolyard, Marge!  The rules that teach a boy how to
be a man!  Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different
from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly
the same way you do.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the General
%
Homer:	Ooh, look at this one!  The Hammer of Thor!  (Reading)  "It
	will send your pins to ... Valhalla?"  Lisa?

Lisa:	Valhalla is where vikings go when they die.

Homer:	Ooh, that's some ball.

		   The Telltale Head
%
Marge:	Name one of your child's friends.

Homer:	Uh, let's see, Bart's friends ... Well, there's the fat kid
	with the thing; uh, the little wiener whose always got his
	hands in his pockets.

		   Saturdays of Thunder
%
Smithers:
	Next.  There's a problem with the reactor -- what do you do?

Homer:	There's a problem with the reactor??  We're all going to die!!

		   I Married Marge
%
Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something
stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Mr. Plow
%
I'm tired of being a wanna-be league bowler, I wanna be a league bowler!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Team Homer
%
Marge:	I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible
	say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you
	do unto me...?"

Homer:	Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take
	moochers into thy hut?"

		   The Otto Show
%
Homer:	All right, Herb.  I'll lend you the 2,000 bucks.  But you have
	to forgive me and treat me like a brother.

Herb:	Nope.

Homer:	All right, then, just give me the drinking bird.

		   Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?
%
Burns:	Well, Simpson, I must say, once you're been through something
	like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.

Homer:	You said it, you weirdo.

		   Mountain Madness
%
Marge, please, old people don't need companionship.  They need to be
isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have
that might be extracted for our personal use.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lady Bouvier's Lover
%
Marge:	Maybe it'll turn out that he was innocent all along.

Homer:	Earth to Marge.  Earth to Marge.  I was there ... the clown's
	G-I-L-L-T-Y. 

		   Krusty Gets Busted
%
Oh, cruel fate.  Why do you mock me?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Daredevil
%
Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh
start with Maggie.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa's Pony
%
Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first thing
out, I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new belly button.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Cape Feare
%
Boy, I don't know.  You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Selma's Choice
%
You mean, I'm on my own?  I've never been on my own.  Oh no!  On 
own!  On own!  I need help.  Oh, God help me!  Help me, God!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Badman
%
Homer:	Is this episode going on the air live?

June Bellamy:
	No, Homer.  Very few cartoons are broadcast live -- it's a 
	terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

		   Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
%
Homer:	Hey, Burns!  Eat my shorts!

Burns:	Who the Sam Hill was that?

		   One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish
%
Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   I Love Lisa
%
Donuts.  Is there anything they can't do?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Marge vs. the Monorail
%
Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans.
Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Last Exit to Springfield
%
Homer:	You like parties, huh?  Well, I just remembered they're having
	a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.

Marge:	You didn't remember that.  You just saw it on TV.

		   My Sister, My Sitter
%
Even the Chinese are against me.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Last Temptation of Homer
%
Homer:	Here's your magazines.  How many of these guys are named Corey?

Lisa:	Eight.  Thanks, Dad.

		   Bart's Dog Gets An F
%
No, I do not know what the Schadenfreude is.  Please tell me, because
I'm dying to know.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   When Flanders Failed
%
I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer.  Basically, we
become a family of traveling acrobats.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Dog of Death
%
Marge, let's end this feudin' and a-fussin' and get down to some lovin'.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Colonel Homer
%
It takes two to lie.  One to lie and one to listen.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Colonel Homer
%
When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking
monsters, always wanting more, more, more!  And if you give it to 'em, 
you'll get back plenty in return.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa the Beauty Queen
%
I'm sick of eating hoagies!  I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long
hero!  I want to live, Marge!  Won't you let me live?  Won't you,
please?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Fear of Flying
%
The weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart vs. Australia
%
Kids, kids, kids.  As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential
murderers.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part 2)
%
Marge:	We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.

Homer:	Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for
	diseases she doesn't even have.

		   Lisa's Pony
%
Thank you, Bill Cosby, you saved the Simpsons!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Saturdays of Thunder
%
TV Announcer:
	The following is a public service announcement: Excessive
	alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the
	rectum.

Homer:	Mmm ... beer.

		   So It's Come To This: A Simpsons Clip Show
%
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories.  `Bart is a vampire.'  `Beer kills
brain cells.'  Now, let's go back to that ... building ... thingee
... where our beds and TV ... is.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror IV
%
I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me -- friends, co-workers, 
Tibor.  I never thought it'd be my own wife.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Marge Gets A Job
%
You are not my son!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Boy-Scoutz n the Hood
%
De-fault!  The two sweetest words in the English language.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Deep Space Homer
%
Reverend Lovejoy:
	Homer, this is really low.

Homer:	Not as low as my low, low prices!

		   Mr. Plow
%
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win 
or lose: it's how drunk you get.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart Gets An Elephant
%
You don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day
putting his ass on the line.  And I'm not out of order!  You're out of 
order!  The whole freaking system is out of order!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Secrets of a Successful Marriage
%
Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Secrets of a Successful Marriage
%
I can't live the button-down life like you.  I want it all!  The
terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa's Rival
%
Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and
musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called `City
Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about
`What's to be done with this Homer Simpson"'

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa's Rival
%
It's okay, Marge.  I've learned my lesson.  A mountain of sugar is too
much for one man.  It's clear now why God portions it out in those 
tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa's Rival
%
Marge, what's wrong?  Are you hungry?  Sleepy?  Gassy?  Gassy?  Is it
gas?  It's gas, isn't it?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Fear of Flying
%
You want the truth?  You want the truth?  You can't handle the truth!
'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that
used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Secrets of a Successful Marriage
%
Read your town charter, boy.  `If food stuffs should touch the ground,
said food stuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot.'  Since I
don't see him around, start shoveling!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa's Rival
%
Homer:	You can let him down gently, but over the next couple of
	months, I want you to break it off.

Marge:	Um, okay, Homer.

Homer:	Whoof!  That was a close one, kids.

		   Another Simpsons Clip Show
%
Homer:	Aw, Marge, kids, I miss my club.

Marge:	Oh, Homey.  You know, you are a member of a very exclusive
	club.

Homer:	The Black Panthers?

		   Homer the Great
%
If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that
girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and
foxy boxing and such and such.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa on Ice
%
All right, let's not panic.  I'll make the money back by selling one
of my livers.  I can get by with one.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer vs. Patty and Selma
%
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would
explode!  I think it was called `The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Springfield Files
%
Man:	You must be stupider than you look.

Homer:	Stupider like a fix!

		   Lemon of Troy
%
Lenny:	Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with
	pay.  Pfft.  It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.

Homer:	Stupidity, eh?

		   King-Size Homer
%
Bart:	I'll take up smoking and give that up.

Homer:	Good for you, son.  Giving up smoking is one of the hardest
	things you'll ever have to do.  Have a dollar.

		   Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious
%
Marge:	I would love you if you weighed 1,000 pounds but ...

Homer:	Beautiful.  G'night.

		   King-Size Homer
%
Oh, I always wanted to be a teamster.  So lazy and surly.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Radioactive Man
%
This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield.  If anybody
wants me I'll be in the shower.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lemon of Troy
%
All right, I have thought this through.  I will send Bart the money to 
fly home, then I will murder him.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart on the Road
%
Second class?  What about Social Security, bus discounts, Medic-Alert
jewelery, Gold Bond powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and
all those other senior perks?  Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it
pretty sweet.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in
		   "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"
%
Hey, if you want wild bears eatin' your children and scarin' your
salmon, that's your business.  But I'm not gonna take it!  Who's with
me?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Much Apu About Nothing
%
Marge:	You don't have to join a freak show just because the
	opportunity came along.

Homer:	You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different
	people.

		   Homerpalooza
%
Homer:	We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a
	bucket of fish heads once a week.

Marge:	It saved out marriage!

		  Treehouse of Horror VII
%
Bart:	Can I be a boozehound?

Homer:	Not till you're 15.

		   Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious
%
Flanders:
	Y'know, Simpson, I feel kinda silly, but, uh, you know, what
	the hey, you know ... kinda reminds me of my good ole
	fraternity days.

Homer:	D'oh!  Oh my God!  He's enjoying it!

		   Dead Putting Society
%
Look, just gimme some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer
%
Marge, look at me!  We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty
as a Frenchman.  In another few hours, I'll be dead.  I can't afford
to lose your trust again.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Secrets of a Successful Marriage
%
I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family?  Sort of a
spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Genius
%
I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store,
could I?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Life on the Fast Lane
%
You know, some of these stories are pretty good.  I never knew mice
lived such interesting lives.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
%
Herb:	All born in wedlock?

Homer:	Yeah, though the boy was a close call.

		   Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
%
Oooh ... maca-ma-damia nuts.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart's Dog Gets an F
%
Boy, those Germans have a word for everything.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   When Flanders Failed
%
I saw weird stuff in that place last night.  Weird, strange, sick,
twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff.  And I want in.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Great
%
He's taking funny talk.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Like Father, Like Clown
%
Marge:	We can't afford to buy a pony.

Homer:	Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to
	buy a pony.

		   Lisa's Pony
%
I've heard 'em all.  `I like you as a friend.'  `I think we should see 
other people.'  `I no speak English.'  `I'm married to the sea.'  `I
don't want to kill you, but I will ...'

		-- Homer Simpson
		   I Love Lisa
%
They said the same thing about Urkle; that little snot.  Boy I'd like
to smack that kid.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart Gets Famous
%
Step aside, everyone!  Sensitive love letters are my specialty.  Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: you.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Lover
%
Marge:	Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of
	your life?

Homer:	Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life.

		   Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
%
Laser effects, mirrored balls -- John Williams must be rolling around
in his grave.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Springfield Connection
%
Well, I acquired it legally, you can be sure of that.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror VI
%
You see, boy?  The real money's in bootlegging!  Not in your childish
vandalism.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
%
Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer
%
Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night!  They just plain
sucked!  I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch 
of sucks that ever sucked!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Team Homer
%
Come on, honey.  You work yourself stupid for this family.  If anyone
deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
%
Marge:	What if he's crazy?

Homer:	And what if he's not?  Then we'd look like idiots.

		   Burns Baby Burns
%
Woman:	I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to
	punish him.

Homer:	'Preciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that.  And I
	gotta live with him.

Bart:	You're the man, Homer.

		   Bart After Dark
%
It's a fixer-upper.  What's the problem?  We get a bunch of priests in 
here ...

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror
%
It's your child versus mine!  The winner will be showered with praise, 
the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa on Ice
%
It's wonderful, it's magical.  Oh boy, here it comes.  Another mouth.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   And Maggie Makes Three
%
I guess Bart's not to blame.  He's lucky, too, because it's spanking
season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
%
Aw, being a clown sucks.  You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and
admired by the elderly.  Who am I clowning?  I have no business being
a clown!  I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in 
the clowning business.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homie the Clown
%
Ah, so that's what's been wrong with the little fella.  He misses
casual sex.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
%
Who spread garbage all over Flanders's yard before I got a chance to?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
%
Homer:	I suppose you want to probe me.  Well, you might as well get
	it over with.

Kang:	Stop!  We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can
	teach us.

		   Treehouse of Horror VII
%
You see, there are some crybabies out there -- religious types mostly
-- who might be offended.  If you are one of them, I advise you to
turn off your set now.  C'mon, I dare you.  Bock-bock-bock-bock-bock!
Chicken!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror III
%
He gets it from your side of the family, you know.  No monsters on my
side.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror II
%
Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Great
%
So if we don't all vote the same way, we'll be deadlocked and have to
be sequestered in the Springfield Palace Hotel ...

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Boy Who Knew Too Much
%
Woo Hoo!  Good news everybody!  Because I endangered lives, we can fly 
anywhere we want!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Fear of Flying
%
What's everyone so worked up about?  So there's a comet.  Big deal.
It'll burn up in out atmosphere, and whatever's left will be no bigger 
than a chihuahua's head.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart's Comet
%
Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Front
%
There are perfectly good answers to those questions, but they'll have
to wait for another night.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homers Barbershop Quartet
%
Homer:	Look at that.  I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel
	backwards through time.

Mr. Peabody:
	Correction, Homer, you're the second.

Sherman:
	That's right, Mr. Peabody!

Mr. Peabody:
	Quiet, you.

		   Treehouse of Horror V
%
Homer:	But wait.  You can't kill me for being Krusty.  I'm not him.
	I'm Homer Simpson.

Fat Tony:
	The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of 
out club?

Homer:	Uh ... actually my name is Barney.  Yeah.  Barney Gumble.

		   Homie the Clown
%
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?  No.  Lumber Lung?  No.  Jugglers despair?
No.  Achy-Breaky Pelvis?  No.  Oh, I'm never going to be disabled.
I'm sick of being so healthy!  Hey wait -- Hyper-Obesity.  If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   King-Size Homer
%
Homer/Apu/Moe:
	You can do it, Otto!
	You can do it, Otto!

Apu:	Make this spare, I'll give you free gelato!

Moe:	Then go back to my place where I will get you blotto!

Homer:	Domo arigato, Mister Roboto!

		   Team Homer
%
Marge:	It was a beautiful wedding.  I've never seen Selma happier.

Homer:	That reminds me -- Troy said something interesting last night
	at the bar.  Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the
	marriage is just a sham to help his career.

		   A Fish Called Selma
%
Homer:	Dig him up!!!  Dig up that corpse!  If you really love
	Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground
	to prove my daughter wrong!  Dig up his grave!  Pull out his
	tongue!

Quimby:	Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up
	a corpse?

		   Lisa the Iconoclast
%
Alone!  I'm alone!  I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been
planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer
%
Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I.  Many of
them incompetent boobs.  I know this because I've worked alongside
them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions 
time and again and I say this stinks.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Odyssey
%
Around the house, I never lift a finger
As a husband and father I'm sub-par
I'd rather drink a beer
than win Father of the Year
I'm happy with things the way they are

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious
%
Bart:	You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage
	where the bottom's all wet.

Lisa:	Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab.

Homer:	Stop it, both of you!  Grampa smells like a regular old man,
	which is more like a hallway in a hospital.

		   Old Money
%
That's weird.  It's like something out of that twilighty show about
that zone.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror VI
%
Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard.  Actually, I'm
bringing the plant down from the inside.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular
%
Bart:	What religion are you?

Homer:	You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't
	work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

		   Homerpalooza
%
To alcohol!  The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
%
Oh, the guys are work are going to have a field day with this.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Call of the Simpsons
%
Where is Bart, anyway?  His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart After Dark
%
Homer:	We always have one good kid and one lousy kid.  Why can't both 
	our kids be good?

Marge:	We have three kids, Homer.

		   Separate Vacations
%
Look, Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband, I'm sorry
about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I'm sorry I used
your wedding dress to wax the car, and I'm sorry -- oh well, let's
just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Marge on the Lam
%
Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror V
%
It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before, and I've seen
you every night for the last eleven ye -- aha.  What I mean to say is: 
We'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie.  I promise.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
%
This is even more painful than it looks.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brother from the Same Planet
%
The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes 
... Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty -- that was our planet!  You
maniacs!  You blew it up!  Damn you!  Damn you all to hell!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Deep Space Homer
%
Michael:
	Hi.  I'm Michael Jackson, from The Jacksons.

Homer:	I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.

		   Stark Raving Dad
%
Homer:	I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders ... my
	friend!

Lenny:	What'd he say?

Carl:	I dunno.  Somethin' about being gay.

		   Homer Loves Flanders
%
I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49.  Everyone listens to me!  No matter
how dumb my suggestions are.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy
%
Oh everything's cruel according to you.  Keeping him chained us in the 
backyard is cruel.  Pulling his tail is cruel.  Yelling in his ears is 
cruel.  Everything is cruel.  So excuse me if I'm cruel.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart Gets An Elephant
%
Well let's call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y.  So anyway, Mr. X would
say, `Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't
Homer J. Simpson.'

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Secrets of a Successful Marriage
%
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa's First Word
%
Homer:	You know what?

Grampa:	What?

Homer:	We're both screw-ups.

		   Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
%
Homer:	Marge, it's 3 a.m. and I worked all day!

Marge:	It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer 
	in Maggie's kiddie pool.

		   Another Simpsons Clip Show
%
Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2% and it's all because of my
motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more
donuts to come.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   You Only Move Twice
%
Marge:	You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.

Homer:	Yeah.  If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your
	own allowance.

		   Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
%
Merchant:
	Sir, I must strongly advise you, do not purchase this.  Behind 
	every wish lurks grave misfortune.  I, myself, was one
	president of Algeria.

Homer:	C'mon, pal, I don't want to hear your life story!  Paw me.

		   Treehouse of Horror II
%
Cable.  It's more wonderful than I dared hope.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Ohh, my son doesn't stand a chance!  The whole world has gone gay!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Phobia
%
Marge:	This is the best gift of all, Homer.

Homer:	It is?

Marge:	Yes, something to share our love.  And frighten prowlers.

		   Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
%
I've figured out the boy's punishment.  First, he's grounded.  No
leaving the house, not even for school.  Second, no eggnog.  In fact,
no nog, period.  And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Marge Be Not Proud
%
Homer:	I'm just a big fool.

Karl:	Oh no, you're not!

Homer:	How do you know?

Karl:	Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool!

		   Simpson and Delilah
%
Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Odyssey
%
Coyote:	Fear not, Homer.  I am your spirit guide.

Homer:	Hiya.

Coyote:	There is a lesson you must learn.

Homer:	If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead
	of ya.

		  El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer
%
Dasher, Dancer ... Prancer ... Nixon, Comet, Cupid ... Donna Dixon.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
%
Bart:	Hey, Santa, what's shaking?

Homer:	What's your name, Bart ... ner? -- er, little partner?

Bart:	I'm Bart Simpson.  Who the hell are you?

		   Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
%
But let me tell you, the slim lazy Homer you knew is dead.  Now I'm a
big fat dynamo.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   King-Size Homer
%
So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because as the old
saying goes, let your children run wild and free.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart vs. Australia
%
And remember not to act afraid.  Animals can smell fear.  And they
don't like it.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Call of the Simpsons
%
You heard me.  I won't be in for the rest of the week ... I told you.
My baby beat me up ... Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought
up.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
%
Time to fertilize the lawn.  A couple of 500-pound bags should do it!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer vs. Patty and Selma
