%
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
		-- Robert Benchly
%
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
%
"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
foot."
%
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
broken ...
		-- James Dent
%
"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime."
		-- Thomas Aldrich
%
	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
icepacks.
		-- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like
the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
%
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
%
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
examples.
		-- Charles Dickens
%
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
two things still safe to eat.
		-- Robert Fuoss
%
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
		-- Andrew Jackson
%
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
underwear."
%
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
%
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
		-- Steven Wright
%
"It's a summons."
"What's a *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme
%
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
%
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
		-- Andrew W. Mathis
%
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
		-- Marty Winch
%
"It's easier said than done."

... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".
%
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
%
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
being right.
%
"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
		-- Macy's
%
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
%
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
		-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
%
It's just a jump to the left
	And then a step to the right.
Put your hands on your hips
	And pull your knees in tight.
It's the pelvic thrust
	That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane

	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

		-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
%
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
		-- Walt Disney
%
"It's Like This"

Even the samurai
have teddy bears,
and even the teddy bears
get drunk.
%
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
direction.
%
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
%
It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
		-- Sam Goldwyn
%
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
		-- George Burns
%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
		-- Phil White
%
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
		-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
%
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
		-- Alexander Korda
%
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
		-- Cal Keegan
%
It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
what you're taking for it...
%
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
the ground.
		-- Daniel B. Luten
%
It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
		-- Woody Allen
%
It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
		-- Garfield
%
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
		-- Sydney J. Harris
%
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
%
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
%
It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
%
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which
raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
not to.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
%
		     JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
			  by Mark Isaak

	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
	So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
	"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
	"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
	"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
	"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window ...
%
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
	No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
%
James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
		-- Tom Stoppard
%
Jenkinson's Law:
	It won't work.
%
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
%
Job Placement, n.:
	Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
%
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
%
Johnson's First Law:
	When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
most inconvenient possible time.
%
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called
"Bureaucracy".  Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do
anything loses.
%
Join the march to save individuality!
%
Magnocartic, adj.:
	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
carts.
		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
Magpie, n.:
	A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Maier's Law:
	If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed
	of.

Corollaries:
	(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.
%
Main's Law:
	For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.
%
Maintainer's Motto:
	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
%
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
	as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Majority, n.:
	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
%
Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!
%
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It
has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
		-- System V.2 administrator's guide
%
Malek's Law:
	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
%
Man 1:	Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good
	joke is.

Man 2:	OK, what is the most impo --

Man 1:	TIMING!
%
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
		-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
is an enemy.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Man, n.:
	An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
habitable earth and Canada.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
Doctor:   "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
	  don't think, right?"
		-- Dr. Who
%
Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
primitive umpire.

What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as
mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
Manual, n.:
	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a
given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The
information you need in in the others.
		-- Ray Simard
%
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
		-- Walt Kelly
%
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
simple yes or no answer.
%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
		-- Voltaire
%
Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
the dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam
dancing.
		-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
%
Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
		-- Malcolm Smith
%
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
		-- R. Drabek
%
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
entirely different.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can
play.
		-- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
		   James Blish
%
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
%
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
receipt.
%
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
		-- Jules Feiffer
%
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
%
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
%
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
%
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
%
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
		-- R. S. Barton
%
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
it.
%
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
	If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
$19.95.
%
Meader's Law:
	Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
%
Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
%
Meeting, n.:
	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
%
Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
Centauri.  Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
had split before.  Thus was the Empire forged.
		-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
%
Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and
it has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin
very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
	[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
	 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
	 next few square feet of the woman's skin.  Thank you.]
... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even
more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a
fact.  Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
hotshot cells moving up from below.
		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
	The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
	The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
cork makes when it is popped.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
	All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
never hope to acquire it.
%
Menu, n.:
	A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
%
Meskimen's Law:
	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
%
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
%
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
%
methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
	The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
	1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
		-- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
%
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
%
Micro Credo:
	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
%
"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been
watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
%
"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
%
Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO
	inconsiderate."
		-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
%
Miksch's Law:
	If a string has one end, then it has another end.
%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
Millihelen, adj:
	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
%
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
		-- Susan Ertz
%
Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum
and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they
are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
rummage around in their lives for the next four years.  Consider all
the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.  Those people who taught Hubert
Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
black.
		-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
%
Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
is particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined,
myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
the trade.  But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You
will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
dead as a door-nail.
%
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
%
Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
%
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
%
Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
		-- Russell Baker
%
Misfortune, n.:
	The kind of fortune that never misses.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Miss, n.:
	A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
%
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
%
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)

  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water				 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice
  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine
  Cinnamon

Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
		-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
%
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
%
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked
him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
last week.  The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
better.
%
Molecule, n.:
	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
atom in that it is an ion ...
	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
%
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
%
Monday, n.:
	In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
%
Money is the root of all wealth.
%
Moon, n.:
	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
hackers.  See PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
%
Mophobia, n.:
	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
%
		MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
Saturday night.  The match started with a long period of silence while
the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
paraphrase.  The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
their anal-retentive personalities.  At this the Rogerians' star player
said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka."  This started a
fight and the match was called by officials.
%
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One
path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
	Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
%
Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
eyes.  So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away.  Then the male, driven
by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs.  So the
truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
them that it doesn't make any difference.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
		   Teen Should Know"
%
Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
than they do.
		-- Turgenev
%
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
		-- Arnold Bennett
%
Mother is the invention of necessity.
%
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
%
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
%
"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365.  He [ten-year-old
Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"  An electronic
computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
fun to watch.
		-- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
%
Murphy's Discovery:
	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine months later, you're in
trouble!
%
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
%
Murphy's Law of Research:
	Enough research will tend to support your theory.
%
"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
Esther and hustle them off to prison.
	They can't prove who they are because they've left their
passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day
and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call
her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
possible, and turns to Murray.
	"This is crazy!"  Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
spits in the sergeants face.
	"Murray!"  Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Mustgo, n.:
	Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
long it has become a science project.
		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on
it."
		-- "Grendel", by John Gardner
%
My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
threw my amplifier out the dormitory window.  We did not act in haste.
First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door.  Then we rushed
forward, shouting "The WHO!  The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
crowd had gathered.  I would like to be able to say that this was a
symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
really just wanted to find out what it would sound like.  It sounded
OK.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless
there are three other people."
		-- Orson Welles
%
My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.
%
"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
	-- MadameX
%
My love runs by like a day in June,
	And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
	In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
	Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
	And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
	And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
	And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
	As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
	And I wish he were in Asia.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
one.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
%
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
	And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
	And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
	Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
	And I wish I'd never met him.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
Alley!!
%
"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
Alley!!"
		-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
My pen is at the bottom of a page,
Which, being finished, here the story ends;
'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
		-- Byron
%
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not
signed.
		-- Christopher Morley
%
"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
%
Mythology, n.:
	The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

		-- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
%
Naeser's Law:
	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
%
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
	  says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
	  will be right.
		-- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
%
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant
said "My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone
might steal it."
%
Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
villagers gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time,"
said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the
villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The
remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he
said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of
my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
%
Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
serve him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk
into your shop?"  "Of course."  "Have you ever seen me before?"
"Never."  "Then how do you know it was me?"
%
Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun."  "Why?", he was asked.  "Because at night we need the
light more."
%
Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
pie.  Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
meat from his hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
"Foolish bird!  You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
the recipe?"
%
Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of
conservation of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the
fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
is most likely to be creamed?
		-- Solomon Short
%
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
%
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
		-- Fran Leibowitz
%
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
Necessity is a mother.
%
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
		-- Lin Yutang
%
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
%
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
%
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
%
Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
%
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
%
Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled
with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to
change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
fly in the window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
have windows.
%
Never eat more than you can lift.
		-- Miss Piggy
%
Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
%
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
%
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
		-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
%
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
%
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
substance.
		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
%
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
law against it by that time.
%
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
%
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
%
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
		-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
%
"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
%
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
supposed to do.
		-- R. A. Heinlein
%
New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
%
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
%
New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
%
New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
		-- Monty Python's Big Red Book
%
New systems generate new problems.
%
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
his wife most often reminds him to act it.
		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
%
New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
%
New York's got the ways and means;
Just won't let you be.
		-- The Grateful Dead
%
Newlan's Truism:
	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
%
NEWS FLASH!!
	Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
	German pole-vault champion.
%
			*** NEWSFLASH ***
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
%
Newton's Fourth Law:  Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
%
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
%
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
%
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
as an income tax refund.
		-- F. J. Raymond
%
"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
%
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
%
Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;

One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.
%
Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
	And tapes without any tracks;
Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
	And tapes mixed up on the racks --
		Take hold of the tape
		And pull off the strip,
		And then you'll be sure
		Your tape drive will skip.

		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
%
"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
would.  The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
that much."
		-- Augustine
%
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
%
Jone's Law:
	The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
to blame it on.
%
Jone's Motto:
	Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
%
Jones's First Law:
	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction
to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their
original contribution.
%
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
(and nobody cares about it).
		-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
%
Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
solutions seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires
one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
winner.  The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
because neither side has all the facts.  Therefore, when the wise
mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
whole truth.
		-- Stephen R. Schwambach
%
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
changed.
		-- Irene Peter
%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
get a prompt, type like hell.
%
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets"
		-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
%
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
		-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
%
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
%
`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
	As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
	By a finger entwined in his hair.

'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
	That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
	What I tell you three times is true.'
%
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat!!!
%
Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
		-- Michael J. Wagner
%
Justice is incidental to law and order.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
Justice, n.:
	A decision in your favor.
%
K:	Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
	Cobol's wordy and confining;
	KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
	Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
		-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
wear tail lights.
%
Katz' Law:
	Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
%
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
%
Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
		- Hellman's Mayonnaise
%
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
%
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
%
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
	    straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
	    force is technically termed "car suck").
	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
	    than "Watch this!"
%
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now ... try to get something DONE!
%
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
%
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
and parking for the faculty.
%
Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could
travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate
teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
		   Do"
%
Kin, n.:
	An affliction of the blood
%
Kinkler's First Law:
	Responsibility always exceeds authority.

Kinkler's Second Law:
	All the easy problems have been solved.
%
"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
%
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.
%
Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
%
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
%
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
%
Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
%
Kleptomaniac, n.:
	A rich thief.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
%
Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
		-- Henry N. Camp
%
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
	The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Labor, n.:
	One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Lackland's Laws:
	(1) Never be first.
	(2) Never be last.
	(3) Never volunteer for anything
%
Lactomangulation, n.:
	Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Ladybug, ladybug,
Look to your stern!
Your house is on fire,
Your children will burn!
So jump ye and sing, for
The very first time
The four lines above
Have been put into rhyme.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
Laetrile is the pits
%
Langsam's Laws:
	(1) Everything depends.
	(2) Nothing is always.
	(3) Everything is sometimes.
%
Larkinson's Law:
	All laws are basically false.
%
Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always getting
pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
whatsoever.  They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
Lassie filed the applications for.
		-- Dave Barry
%
"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate.  I told this to
my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
		-- Steven Wright
%
"Last week a cop stopped me in my car.  He asked me if I had a police
record.  I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album.  Cops have no sense
of humor."
%
Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
%
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
%
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."  
		-- Victor Borge
%
Law of Communications:
	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
misunderstanding.
%
Law of Probable Dispersal:
	Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
%
Law of Selective Gravity:
	An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:
	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
%
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
	You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
bread to butter.
%
Laws of Serendipity:

	(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
	    something.
	(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
	    be engaged in making an inferior one.
%
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
%
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
%
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
everything else follows in the same way.
		-- Alan J. Perlis
%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%
Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
fun?
%
Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
	"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
can."
%
Leibowitz's Rule:
	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
%
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
	You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are
	pushy.  Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike
	honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people
	are thieves.
%
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
	Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
	Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
	you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of
	fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
	a sick sense of humor.
%
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
%
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number.  You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
and another number."
		-- James Estes
%
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.
%
Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
end.  For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
qualities I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and
bossy ...  Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
his back."
		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
%
Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
Mental Anguish.  You would sue:

* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
  in there".

* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
  cretin like yourself.

* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
  a large cash settlement anyway.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
dollars:  For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
tax return around under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to
spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe
money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit.  What does he care?
It's not his money.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)

Dear Sir,

I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
to the office.  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
public places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
agricultural industry.

Yours faithfully,
	Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
	Sevenoaks
%
Lewis's Law of Travel:
	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
anyone, ever.
%
Liar, n.:
	A lawyer with a roving commission.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
		-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
%
LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
	Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
	desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
	polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
%
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
	reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
	Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most
	Libra women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal
	disease.
%
Lie, n.:
	A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.
%
Lieberman's Law:
	Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
%
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
%
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
%
"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to
eat it nevertheless."
		-- Flaubert
%
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
%
Life is like a simile.
%
Life is like an analogy
%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
%
"Life is too important to take seriously."
		-- Corky Siegel
%
"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove."
%
"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
		-- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
%
"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
weren't for other people"
		-- Blore
%
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
%
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
		-- Alan McKay
%
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
	They usually have virgins,
	And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
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Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%
Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe
	we should think only about today.
Charlie Brown:
	No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
	better.
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Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
		-- Candice Bergen
%
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
%
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
before.
%
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And plunged it deep into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things YOU want to do?
%
Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these
interest rates, we don't need it."
%
Lobster:
	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
only proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to
eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
before they're cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most
ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe
at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.
Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
too.
		-- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils
		   into Excuses and Apologies"
%
Lockwood's Long Shot:
	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
one in a million, but once would be enough.
%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *awful*.
%
... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
legally ... impeccable!
%
Logicians have but ill defined
As rational the human kind.
Logic, they say, belongs to man,
But let them prove it if they can.
		-- Oliver Goldsmith
%
Look out!  Behind you!
%
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
to pay income taxes, too?
		-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
%
Loose bits sink chips.
%
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
BOOGA!"
%
Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.
%
Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
Halstead, Kansas.
%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
%
Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
		-- Sigmund Freud
%
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."
		-- Matt Groening
%
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 
the ideal never goes unpunished."
		-- Goethe
%
Love is sentimental measles.
%
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
%
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
		-- Louise Beal
%
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
to.
%
	Love's Drug

My love is like an iron wand 
	That conks me on the head,
My love is like the valium 
	That I take before my bed,
My love is like the pint of scotch 
	That I drink when I be dry;
And I shall love thee still, my dear,
	Until my wife is wise.
%
Lowery's Law:
	If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.
%
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
%
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
	There's always one more bug.
%
Lunatic Asylum, n.:
	The place where optimism most flourishes.
%
Lysistrata had a good idea.
%
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Machine-Independent, adj.:
	Does not run on any existing machine.
%
Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
and play games -- but not with pleasure.
		-- Leo Rosten
%
Mad, adj.:
	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
		-- W. C. Fields
%
MAFIA, n:
	[Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS.  MAFIA documentation is
rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
operations.  From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
security functions.  The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
more than usually autocratic operating system.  Screen prompts carry an
imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
entire nodal aggravations.
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism

Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
knowledge.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
